I love the TV show "24." Love it. My wife and I watch it every week without fail. So I had to steal these "Jack Bauer facts" from Jonathan Herron and share them with you. Great stuff.
* Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.
* If everyone on 24 followed Jack's instructions, it would be called 12.
* If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
* Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
* There have been no terrorist attacks in the United States since Jack Bauer appeared on television.
* When someone asks Jack Bauer how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously on 24..."
* Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
* When Google doesn't know the answer, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Some other good ones:
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
- If you’re holding a gun to Jack Bauer’s head, don’t count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Posted by: Tim Ellsworth | 03/28/2006 at 03:15 PM
These are so great. Here's another one:
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Posted by: Tim Ellsworth | 03/28/2006 at 03:16 PM
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.
Posted by: Steve McCoy | 03/28/2006 at 03:23 PM
When Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris met for the first time, they didn't shake hands. They fought to the death. Jack Bauer won.
Posted by: Joe Kennedy | 03/28/2006 at 03:42 PM
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Posted by: Steve McCoy | 03/28/2006 at 04:07 PM
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.
Posted by: Steve McCoy | 03/28/2006 at 04:17 PM
Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Posted by: Tim Ellsworth | 03/28/2006 at 04:37 PM
Alright, I need to stop this. I'm obsessing.
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Posted by: Steve McCoy | 03/28/2006 at 04:40 PM
See, now I love the Kim ones, but was afraid to put them on my blog! :D
Posted by: Jonathan Herron | 03/28/2006 at 05:26 PM
Gee'z. When I read the post I thought - eh, It's a rip off of the Chuck Norris stuff, then I read the rest here in the comments and they are hysterical. Love 'em! Thanks guys. man, I'm laughin out loud.
I am behind on my 24. Watching tonight what I Tivo'd yesterday. (I am willing to bet Steve will be ogling Ace on American Idol tonight.)
Posted by: Joe Thorn | 03/28/2006 at 06:37 PM
when fox executives cancelled arrested development because more people watched it than season 3 of 24, jack bauer approved of their preemptive decision and chose to let [most of] them live.
jack bauer loves bunnies. they make great knife-throwing practice targets.
when jack bauer heard a rumor that bigfoot existed, he killed him.
jack bauer isn't tough as nails, nails are as tough as jack bauer.
jack bauer doesn't require food, he runs on nuclear energy.
jack wanted to name kim "covert-ops," but terri won the argument. that's why terri is dead.
when jack bauer crash landed on the "LOST" island he solved all the mysterys AND fixed that dar%^ radio in one episode.
steve~ i'm glad to see that others share a fascination for 24. have you seen some of the 24 body count sites? hysterical...
Posted by: Adam L. Feldman | 03/28/2006 at 08:42 PM
24 is the best show ever. My wife and I love it! I do a 24 update that recently had some life lessons learned from 24! Not quite as quippy as these neo-chuck norris facts, but hey...
http://www.partofthestory.com/index.php?entry=entry060328-163603
Posted by: Mike Edwards | 03/28/2006 at 11:47 PM
A few a friend just sent me:
- If it looks like chicken, smells like chicken and tastes like chicken, but Jack Bauer says it's beef, it's freakin' beef.
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead, it just makes him angry.
- You're only conscious because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
Posted by: Travis Prinzi | 03/29/2006 at 07:43 AM
Jack Bauer killed Kiefer Sutherland because Kiefer Sutherland plays Jack Bauer on TV. Nobody "plays" Jack Bauer!
Posted by: David Wayne | 03/29/2006 at 09:32 AM
Make sure you check out my site, JackBauerTortureReport.com. I know it's shameless self-promotion, but what are you going to do?
Posted by: JBTR | 03/29/2006 at 02:28 PM
Let me just start by saying I love the show. But it's just that A TV SHOW!! Move on!!
Now with that said, here are the two important life lessons that I have taken from 24:
1) Jack Bauer always needs either your TRUST or your HELP to accomplish his goals.
2) You don't want to have any relationship with Jack Bauer, friendship or otherwise, it will get you killed.
Posted by: Pat A | 03/29/2006 at 03:12 PM
A few more facts:
- When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
- Jack Bauer won a game of Connect Four in three moves
- Jack Bauer has counted to infinite. Twice.
- There have been no terrorist attacks in the U.S. since Jack Bauer showed up on television.
Posted by: Nihil | 04/03/2006 at 03:02 PM
Some better facts:
-When Jack Bauer dies, God will ask Jack Bauer to save heaven.
-The government raises gas prices in order to pay for Jack Bauer's cell phone bill. When gas prices are high, you know Jack Bauer is working.
-Jack Bauer would win the World Series of Poker because nobody bluffs Jack Bauer.
-It was actually Jack Bauer that brought down the Berlin Wall.
-The 1980 US Hockey Team beat the Russians only because Jack Bauer was threatening to torture all the Russian players' families if they didn't let the US win.
-Jack Bauer tortured the Blackberry executives to reach a settlement so he could use his Blackberry to contact Mike Novick in Season 5.
Posted by: Chris J | 04/04/2006 at 01:59 PM
Jack Bauer hasnt taken a piss in nearly 120 hours... so we know he has a bladder nearly as big as his balls!
Posted by: Binda | 05/02/2006 at 09:36 AM
Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo keeps hiding.
Did you know that when Jack Bauer reaches Airport security, they give him a gun.
Posted by: Jake Friedman | 06/28/2006 at 02:36 PM
Indiana Jones, Liu Kang, Chuck Norris and Moses all attacked Jack Bauer,
The four of them ran away when Jack Bauer lifting his hand
Posted by: Jake Friedman | 06/28/2006 at 02:38 PM
I am a fellow fan and I have collaborated a few facts myself. Add the follow to your collection:
It takes 8 minutes for Jack Bauer to drive the longer length of California--not because he was speeding but because everyone moved out of his way and the road straightened.
If a team of Jack Bauer clones played a team of Chuck Norris clones in the Super Bowl, the JBs would win. Although having the ability to roundhouse any opponent into submission, Chuck would lose after each Jack would convince the opposing Chuck norris that he was actually on Chuck’s team and convinced each one to do a simultaneous death punch to the Chuck on the left, leaving a team of Jack Bauers against one Chuck Norris, who is convinced to score for the other team. Jack wins 140 to 0, but his woman dies.
Jack spent years inside the Nazi death camps, honing his prison-breaking skills. When asked why he didn’t help the other prisoners, Jack replied, “I do NOT have time for this”.
John Lennon, JFK, and MLK Jr. all tried to hit on Jack’s daughter Kim. The moral lesson is obvious.
If everyone did what Jack Bauer told them, the show would be called "12"
Posted by: Sunny | 01/12/2007 at 12:12 PM
Come join the "24" death pool, predicting who will make it through season 6. 24 is tomorrow!!
Posted by: Luke | 01/13/2007 at 08:31 AM
Okay, Jack Bauer is all right and the show 24 is actually watchable. However, Vic Makie would absolutely kick his ass. So lets relax on this Jack Bauer stuff.
Posted by: Mitch Rapp | 01/19/2007 at 06:34 PM
Mitch Rapp (see above) can't post anymore because Jack Bauer killed him.
Posted by: Mitch's Ghost | 01/23/2007 at 10:19 AM
So...the bald Blue Tooth guy who masterminded the entire Centox gas plot last season turns out to be Jack's brother.
I'm jealous of my brother...I think I'll try to destroy the United States. Twice.
Of course, the "bad guy" will change about six more times anyway before it's all said and done.
Posted by: Stuart | 01/23/2007 at 05:16 PM
Who is Vic Makie?
Posted by: Sunny | 01/25/2007 at 12:23 PM